Want to Become a Better Wife? Start by Looking at God.

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I have read a LOT of Christian marriage books. I’ve watched marriage videos, listened to marriage advice, and prayed countless prayers about becoming a better wife. I love my husband. I LOVE being married. In fact, I was the girl who dreamed more about becoming a wife than pursuing any particular career. Some people thought I took relationships way too seriously, but I knew I wanted marriage to be something special.

I didn’t grow up surrounded by wonderful examples of marriage. Actually, quite the opposite. So when I was 15, I started praying for my future husband. I wanted to do things differently, and I knew God had created marriage for something good.

And then I married Joshua at 21. Oh my goodness, I thought he was the greatest man in the entire world. And I still think he’s pretty wonderful. 😉

But somewhere along the way, I started expecting something from Joshua that he was never supposed to give me. I started looking to him for the kind of security, satisfaction, and assurance that can only come from the Lord. And when marriage eventually got hard, I learned just how dangerous that was.

I Thought Fixing Our Marriage Would Fix My Heart

For the first several years of marriage, loving Joshua felt incredibly easy. I couldn’t understand why people talked so much about marriage being hard. We were best friends! We loved spending time together! Sure, we disagreed sometimes, but nothing that seemed particularly difficult.

And then we entered a season that challenged us in ways I hadn’t expected. I won’t share all the details because Joshua’s struggles are his to share, not mine. But I can tell you what the Lord revealed about my heart.

I was putting entirely too much of my identity in my husband’s opinion of me. When things were going well between us, I felt secure. When things weren’t going well, I struggled not to take everything personally.

So I started looking for solutions. I read the books, prayed, and tried to figure out how to love Joshua more intentionally, forgive more freely, and become the kind of helper God had called me to be. Those were all good things! But here’s what I eventually realized: I could do everything right on paper, and my heart could still be miserable.

Because even when circumstances improved, I was still looking to my husband for something only God could give me.

I wanted Joshua’s love to quiet my fears. I wanted our circumstances to make me feel secure. I wanted everything to be okay so I could finally feel okay.

But marriage was never designed to carry that kind of weight. And neither was Joshua.

Have You Really Considered How Holy God Is?

I’ve been reading You and Me Forever: Marriage in Light of Eternity by Francis and Lisa Chan, and one of the biggest things challenging me is the importance of understanding God’s holiness before becoming consumed with improving our marriages.

Think about Isaiah 6. Isaiah sees the Lord sitting on His throne, high and lifted up. The train of His robe fills the temple, and seraphim are calling out:

“Holy, holy, holy is the LORD of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory!” (Isaiah 6:3, ESV)

The foundations shake. The temple fills with smoke. Can you imagine witnessing the holiness of Almighty God?

But here’s what I find so interesting about Isaiah’s response. He doesn’t start pointing out everyone else’s sins or thinking about how desperately his neighbors need to witness what he’s seeing. Instead, he cries out:

“Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips” (Isaiah 6:5, ESV).

When Isaiah encounters God’s holiness, he becomes painfully aware of his own sinfulness.

And I wonder how different our marriages would look if we spent more time considering God’s holiness than dwelling on our husbands’ shortcomings.

Because it’s awfully hard to remain consumed with someone else’s imperfections when you’re confronted with your own need for God’s mercy.

The More We Behold Christ, the More We Become Like Him

Here’s what absolutely amazes me about the Lord. He is perfectly holy, righteous, and just. He knows every sin we’ve committed, every selfish thought we’ve entertained, and every time we’ve deliberately disobeyed Him. And yet, He sent His Son to save sinners.

Oh my goodness, He is so kind. Kinder than we will ever fully understand.

And the more I begin to grasp that kindness, the harder it becomes to justify withholding mercy from someone else. Especially my husband.

In 2 Corinthians 3:18, Paul describes believers beholding the glory of the Lord and being transformed into His image by the Spirit. He’s speaking about the glory of the new covenant in Christ, but that transformation has implications for every part of our lives, including marriage.

The more we grow in Christlikeness, the more His character should influence how we treat our husbands.

When I remember how patient God has been with me, I’m challenged to extend patience to Joshua. When I remember how desperately I need His mercy, I’m reminded to offer mercy. And when I’m tempted to become consumed with the areas where Joshua needs to grow, I’m reminded that the Lord is still doing a whole lot of work in me, too.

That doesn’t mean sin stops hurting or that we should overlook serious problems. But it does mean that our own relationship with the Lord deserves far more attention than we sometimes give it.

We cannot become godly wives apart from God.

Let’s Actually Do Something About It

I don’t want you to read this, feel encouraged for five minutes, and then go right back to doing everything the same way. So here’s my challenge for you this week.

Read Isaiah 6:1–8. Don’t rush through it. Spend some time considering God’s holiness, Isaiah’s response, and the mercy God extends to him.

Then ask yourself: Am I spending more time thinking about what needs to change in my marriage than pursuing the Lord?

Maybe you’ve become so focused on your husband’s shortcomings that you’ve neglected to examine your own heart. Maybe you’ve been expecting him to provide a sense of security that only Christ can give. Or perhaps, like me, you’ve spent an awful lot of time looking for solutions without realizing that your heart needs attention, too.

Whatever it is, take it to the Lord.

And remember, friend, you could become the most loving, encouraging, respectful wife in the world, and your husband would still be a sinner in need of grace. And so would you.

There is freedom in that! We don’t have to pretend our marriages are perfect or desperately try to control the people we love.

We can pursue Christ, love our husbands faithfully, and trust the Lord with what we cannot control.

Because the goal isn’t simply to become a wife your husband adores. The goal is to become a woman who adores Christ so deeply that His goodness overflows into every area of her life, including her marriage.